I feel pathetic.

The FIT invite was such a great opportunity for me but I'm so damn pathetic.

It's true what Dyson told me.
You could do it just as well if not better than any of these girls
but what they have that you don't, is confidence.

That is so true. I have no confidence in myself whatsoever.
I am truly pathetic.

Merry Christmas!

Since, it's 1:52 am right now, from here on, when I say today I actually mean Christmas eve.
Today was an incredibly long day.
I slept really late and woke up at 8:45 to go to tysons with my aunt for VERY last minute Christmas shopping. I had a total of $51 (I got $50 for Christmas from my aunt) with me when I came. I spent every bit of it. I feel really accomplished though because I got to buy gifts for everyone I wanted to. I wish I could've gotten something nice for myself but it feels so much better to give :)

I'm really too tired right now to go into further detail about the rest of my day except that it was really well.

It was nice having dinner with my mom and it was nice getting to talk to her so much. For once in my life, I feel like I'm actually close to my mother.

This year seems to be coming to a good end (=

and suddenly, all is good again :)

I feel so happy :)

I'm at my mom's house and despite my sister's wild animal-like behavior, it's so nice spending time with them.

It makes me feel better because I know outside of the wonderful life I had with him being my number one priority, I still have a great life, maybe even better.

Now there is only one thing keeping me from being as carefree as can be and all I can do is wait.

So it's a random thought but I was thinking about it while trying not to gag on my dinner. I don't feel like eating and I haven't since last night. But anyway, my cousin was talking to my uncle about opening her Christmas present now or on Christmas day. I looked at the shape of the present she held in her hands. Legoes. Why would she want to open it if she already knew what it was? I don't like the holidays with this family. My aunt gives us a money limit and we buy what we want until we reach that limit and then she wraps it and puts it under the tree. If we knew what it was, then why wrap it and put it under? She doesn't have to say anything but I know it's to make her look good when she has her guests over.

So, I like receiving gifts in surprise. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for gifts. It's just something I just realized about myself. Unexpected gifts are the very best kind :)


So today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I got through it in one piece and that's alll that matters to me.

I actually have a lot to vent though, but I don't know who I trust enough to tell.

Well, now that I have a lot more free time, I'll go do homework and start caring more about school :D

PS: I suddenly feel a lot more satisfied?

I feel so stupid.
This was such a long day.
And this night will be so much worse.

I woke up thinking today was going to be so good. It started off okay. And then I started feeling like everything was just too much. I needed him with me at that moment and when he wasn't there, I just blew up.

That's when everything went down.
I felt better but now I don't.
I felt better again and again, I didn't.

I should just sleep it off.

Everything will be okay, Vickie
hopefully.

I'm so so stupid.
Why am I so in love with someone who doesn't love me back?

I'm so stupid stupid stupid.

The take home test thing has caused such a mess.
I was up until 1 am two nights last week working on that and science fair
and my aunt tells my mom I was doing otherwise and I just keep getting yelled at for doing things that I don't do. My aunt makes up all this stuff to tell my mom all the time and the things she says always makes me seem a lot worse than I am.

My mom said "your uncle is sick but you constantly make him take you everywhere"

So, taking me to Stuart for district band audition is taking me everywhere?
I tried so hard to get a ride and who else was I supposed to ask? My mom?
Hah. Yeah right. I can't ask her for fucking anything.
She yells at me like I'm the most horrible daughter but she's not any better of a mother.

I'm so sick of this life.
I can't wait at all when I fucking leave this behind.

You're never gonna understand what my life is like.
You're never gonna understand the things I put up with.
You're never gonna understand the shit I'm going through right now.

I'm always wrong.

Track practice today had the potential to be really really good.
It WAS really good but I just slowly started losing confidence.
We were doing hurdles
and I don't mean to brag but I was doing so well!
I was the first of the girls to be doing two straight hurdles
but I just, I don't know

Instead of being aggressive and attacking the hurdle like I was doing, I got scared of it.
I feel like such a failure because I was doing soo incredibly well!

What's wrong with me?
I hope practice tomorrow is better.

just a short blog to say
that I might be moving soon

I go to you and talk to you about something that is somewhat upsetting me
and instead of making me feel better or comforting me
I feel even worse now
this is just too great


I am absolutely fine :)

I'm not sure what's wrong with me.
I'm constantly feeling sick and then suddenly, I feel fine.
I want to throw up so many times in a day.
Today was so weird and just fickle.

I don't know if I'm sick or if there's something wrong with my body
but I've never been so worried about my health.
It's affecting me at track too because I constantly want to throw up and after not much running I already feel horrible.

I'm going to take some medicine tonight so hopefully I feel all better in the morning.

Other than my horrible health at the moment everything else seems to be okay-ish.

I had such a wonderful evening :)

And I love 97.1 and all of its Christmas music.

Hopefully days like this come around more often.

Way to fucking go.

I was looking at my myspace and reminiscing and it was nice.

Here's something I pulled up before I sleep:

Loving the right persona t the wrong time,

Having the wrong person when the time is right,

And finding out you love someoen right after

That person walks out of your life...

And sometimes, you think you're already over a person,

But when you see them smile at you,

You'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending

To be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that

They will never be yours again...

For some, they think that letting go is one way

Of expressing how much you love the person...

In my opnion, some areafraid to see the one they love

Being held by someoen else...

Most relationships tend to fail not because of

The absence of love. Love is always present.

It's just that one was being loved too much and the

Other was being loved too little...

As we all know the heart is the center of the body

But it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason

Why the hearts is not always right...

Most often, we fall in love with the personwe think we love

But to only discover that for them,

We are just for past times, while the one who truly

Loves us remains either a friend or stranger...

So here's a piece of advice:

Let go when you're hurting too much.

Give up when love isn't enough and...

Move one when things are not like before...

For sure. there us someone out there

Who will love you even more.

Well, I'm late in posting this blog now but yesterday [November 29, 2008] was my one month with Joneil.

One month is a pretty big deal with us considering we're so on and off.
I asked my mom about doing something with him a few days ago and she said yes.

It was near 4 pm. I was all dressed and ready to go when I heard the phone ring. I knew it was my mom so I checked the window and saw her car. I got in the car and surprised Mandy. I don't think anyone has any idea how much I miss her! I guess I should explain why I miss her.

My mom recently moved out so...yeah.
That's life.

I got to the multiplex before him even though he said he left before me. -___-
I saw Alena there so I asked if I could use her phone. He said he was coming so I sat there and waited. It's weird because I remember when I lived in Hawaii, I was fine with being alone and I think it's because I got used to being alone all the time. I didn't care about people looking at me or what people thought but as I sat there waiting for him, I felt so awkward and self-conscious. Soon enough though, he came! We bought our movie tickets got a drink and went into the movie. We watched Twilight and I suppose it was okay. Sort of disappointing in a way. We walked across to noodles & co after. Then Joneil had a crazy idea to go outside to the 'Merrifield Park,' which isn't park-name-worthy, to sit on the benches but I convinced him to go inside somewhere. So we shared some coldstone ice cream. It was a lovely night.

A very very nice day.

Oh yeah, I made him a mixed cd of stuff I've been listening to and I made him a little card for our one month.


I'm happy :)

I could say that life is good...and it is. But not entirely..

The FCHS marching band was at VBODA yesterday which is states for marching band.
We got there and did the usual; unloaded, got into uniform, and then got ready to perform. I was already pretty pissed because of Jason<--not very surprising. We all just mentally prepared ourselves. I reminded myself of my usual mistakes and told myself how to avoid them. Alas, it was time for our performance. We got on the field and it's always really hectic setting up.

To my surprise, I did great on my part. Overall, we did really good. Our best performance :)

When it was time for the rating, I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only person wishing and hoping.

"Falls Church High School, your final rating is....superior"

That rush. That feeling. It was amazing.
We worked so hard for it and we definitely deserved it.
It was an unbeatable feeling. The rest of the day would be great.
I knew it. And it was :)

On the bus ride to our VBODA location, I was with Joneil.
I kind of..I don't know how to explain it but it's not there's something different. It's not quite the same. I was a lot happier before but maybe everything that's happened to us has affected the way I feel about him? or the way I feel when I'm with him? I'm not sure if it's the same kind of happy. At the same time though I don't want to do anything I might regret. So, I guess I'm just giving it some time.

It's funny because we [Joneil & me] always expect for him to be the one to change his mind...but this time, it might be me?

I'm really not sure. So I'll just wait & see.

I'm stuck between doing what I want [which I'll probably do] and doing what's right for me.

Last week, after the breakup I told a few people to slap me across the face if I start to reconsider.

April slapped me first and called me a stupid bitch. I don't blame her at all, but that hit me pretty hard, it's making me think and actually reconsider reconsidering.

Later, Sterling slapped me. Hard.

Oh, what to do, what to do.

I wish I could say I'm okay because I saw this coming,
but I'm not.

I knew I'd be the chicken soup again
to make him feel better from her
because he was upset with her
and when he was okay again
he wouldn't need his trusty chicken soup anymore

But I feel so stupid for letting him do this to me again and again
I'm letting myself get hurt
I always do because of these crazy feelings I have for him.

I'm so madly in love it's unhealthy
So madly in love that I let him do this to me

But maybe it's not only him

"someone told me about you and guess what? you just proved them right."

so it must be me too.
and of course I know that I'm not the greatest person, but I actually believed that he accepted that. A part of me actually believed that he really wanted to make this work.

I should've known.
So it's my fault all over again.
I'm so sick of feeling like this
and I'm sick of myself because I know it's my fault.

So I'm not really sure why I give him so many chances.
And I find myself to be making up excuses for him a lot lately.

He told me
i'm sorry for the mistakes
and i really want to make it work this time

and that's what he said the second time
and now it seems like he's forgotten that again

when I'm with him, I don't sense any happiness from him
I feel like he doesn't want to be with me when I'm there

and now I'm still giving him chances
and making excuses

I'm giving him time to show me that maybe he really does care, maybe it really does matter to him like it does for me. I'm using my period as an excuse now too. Telling myself that maybe I'm overthinking it? I mean, maybe I am. I don't know but something's changed with him. I know I still treat him the say and sadly, I still love him the same but there's something different. He's acting different.

This has happened before. I can only hope now.

this was my first night of crying in our relationship

i'm sensing many, many more.

sometimes

sometimes i'm scared it's not right
sometimes i tell myself i'm being silly
sometimes i get scared if i make the wrong the decision, i'll regret it
sometimes i get mad at myself for even thinking these things
sometimes i don't even want to do anything because it took so long for us to get this good and i just don't want to mess that up, even if sometimes it doesn't feel right
sometimes its just not the same after everything


a pet peeve i've recently discovered: i hate it when i'm with someone and they're looking through thier phone or texting or whatever...i think you could sort of guess how this pet peeve came to be

trust :)

As you may know, my mom is pretty strict.
In attempt to open up to her, I told her about Joneil asking me to homecoming.

At first, she said she would think about it. She eventually met him. She approved when it was too late to get a homecoming ticket so Joneil and me ended up not going.

Last night though, I planned with Joneil to go see a movie the next day [today] and shockingly she said yes.

I can't described how stunned I was. It was amazing.
It was simple. It was honest.

So Joneil and I went to watch Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist today :)
It was a pretty good movie.


Life is goood.
Minus school :D

wthhh

how did I let this happen?


it's 11:30 on a Sunday night.
I still have to finish a whole chapter of AP world history reading, start on my DBQ essay, & do about three weeks worth of geometry hw.


I had the whole day to do it...so why am I doing it now?! x.x

I guess it's time I update this :)


Joneil asked me to be his girlfriend on Wednesday.
I said...well, you should know xD

hmm. third times a charm?

OOH YEAH, interims!

Advanced Band- A
AP World History- C
PreAp English- A
PE 10- A
Spanish 3- B+
Geometry Honors- C
Chemistry Honors- B+

I'm not very happy with it but I know I can raise it :)

So, it's pretty amazing
but I told my mom that Joneil asked me to homecoming.
I'm waiting for her approval still because I don't want to hide it from her, so I might as well tell her right?

Yesterday, there was a band competition and I know I'm gonna keep beating myself up for it because I did soo bad. I messed up at least once in each movement. Overall, I guess we did pretty good.

The competition was held at Hermitage HS which is in like Richmond? So it was a two hours [or so] long drive which wasn't too bad. I sat with Joneil, so yeah :p

Other then that, nothing too eventful.
oh, my mom ate bad fish and has all these freaky, red, itchy bumps all over her body, eeeek.

School is so hard. Field hockey is pretty good. Band is okay. Jason pisses me off though. He never has anything nice to say. Whenever I mess up he just makes me feel worse. When he messes up and someone says something he has a bad attitude about it. Basically, he just never has anything nice to say to me.


Also, I'm worried about Joneil because something's going on in his family I think. I don't want him to feel obligated to tell me if he doesn't want to but I'm just really worried.

And school. My goodness. I really need to be more responsible.


what do I do with myself..?

Updating my blog because Vyanh told me to!...and because I haven't updated.


So. I know Joneil is a really big jerk...but I swear to myself. This is the last time. I don't even know why I let him have so many chances but I can't help it. He makes me so happy. Perhaps this is just temporary but thats what I do. I live for now and worry about later, later xD

So I'll take my risk! I'll be happy now and I don't even want to think of what happens later.

School is just I don't know. I'm not happy with my grades. I could do better but I could feel myself pushing homework away after band and field hockey practice. I'm putting them before school, which is a first. I need to focus more and just get my priorities straight again.

Another thing that's been driving me INSANNE is my weight T-T
I've gained weight in the last week or two and it's bugging me. I told myself to be happy with myself and I was but now I'm a freaking whale!


There's so many things that I tell myself to do but I never do :(

come on, Vickie
you can do this!

I'm sure there will be another fully detailed Joneil post very very soon, hahah.

He keeps hurting me like this

...and I keep letting him.

Ugh, I don't know why he does that.

Sometimes he's so nice to me.
I actually enjoy it but most of the time he's such a jerk.


He always has mood swings with me. I hate it.

GDJBNJDHAAHAHHHGGG
EAAT MEE

I haven't been feeling too great these last few days.

The other night, Joneil said I should vent. So I did.
And for the first time in a really long time, I told him EVERYTHING.

How I hate being completely fine. How I discipline myself to stop those feelings.
And how it's so quickly wasted when he does something. And how it makes me miss him.

He told me he doesn't want to do that to me.
He just wants to be close to me. We were close friends before and I still want us to be.

Basically, he just wants to keep me in his life.
And I definitely want to keep him in mine.
He's a part of my life now. I talk to him so much it's crazy.
I talk to him more than I talk to my family, more than CALVIN.

At the same time, he's also the person that brings me the most misery.
Is it worth it? Being friends with him but constantly changing moods.
One moment, I'm happy the next I'm not.



I still want us to be friends of course, but I want these feelings to go away.

Since last I posted...Joneil has started talking to me again.

I IMed him one morning
and I ask why he hated me and what I did.


He said he wasn't really sure why and that he was pretty confused himself.

So we've been talking and it's been a lot better for me because I HATE it when people are mad at me and I hate being mad at people.

Let's go back a little


If you remember last year, Joneil was absent A LOT. He told Anna the reason he didn't show up was because he didn't want to see a girl who liked him. That girl was me.

Today, he didn't show up for school. I was talking to him last night and he was fine. So maybe he's trying to avoid me? All I want is for us to be friends, but if it's going to be like this. Then I don't even know.


I have a field hockey scrimmage tomorrow. I have chair placement auditions against Jason. I have plenty of homework.

And I'm really starting to ask myself. How will you survive this?

This year is going to be pretty tough.

It's funny because I think Joneil thinks that I hate him.
But it's not like that at all.


Yesterday was my seriously perfect day gone completely wrong.

Everything was going so well. I got captain for field hockey and I thought nothing could rid me of that happiness I was feeling.

Until I got home of course.

In my previous post I was talking about how I get this vibe from Joneil when I talk to him.
So I basically just feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. On Thursday, I tried talking to him twice and he ignored me both times. So yesterday morning I IMed him


"Do you hate me or something?"
"no"


I didn't see his reply until I got home from school. We got our schedules yesterday so I went on facebook to post it and I got a notification saying Joneil commented on one of my pictures so I was REALLY surprised.

It happened to be the picture of us on possibly one of my happiest days.

"Can you take this off, thanks"

That, with all honesty, crushed me. I couldn't hold in the tears so I just let it out and told my cousin about it in between sobs.

I guess I feel a little better now. I just hate that so many things remind me of him. Stupid songs, stupid animals, just stupid things that we loved. They all just make me miss him so much more.

But anyway, on with my story.
He was online so I said to him

"You're a jerk, I hope you know that"

"How am I a jerk?"

"Everytime I talk to you I get this vibe that you don't want to talk to me. Yesterday I tried talking to you twice and you ignored me both times."

"Well, why bother talking to you? Since I never met your expectations"

"then THANKS for giving me all that bullshit about wanting us to be good and to be friends"

"I don't remember saying that"

"hahh, you're funny"

"lol, i wish"

then he blocked me
a little bit later he unblocked me and by then I calmed down a lot so I said to him

"I hope you know that I only said the thing about expectations that night because I was pissed and was a bitch. and I know I'm a bitch, I thought we got that clear. and for whatever else I've done, I'm sorry. I never really had expectations for us, you know that. So I'm just sorry.

I'm done, I just had to let you know that.

It's okay if you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore."

"Okay, vickie"


and that's the last of that.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.

This is done.

FINALLY.

this week is over! :)

I'm actually really happy though because so many things happened. Both good and bad.

But the good moments made up for allll the bad ones, no matter how bad they were (they were pretty bad).

Oh yeahh. So I guess I've been trying to small talk with Joneil and just be nice to him but I get this vibe that he doesn't want to talk to me? So, I'll just stop trying. It seems to be what he wants?

Okay, I lied. I just IMed him.
Nope, it's just not working. After everything, things aren't going to be the same. I wish we could be good friends again but I don't think he wants it so I won't push it.


Ahhhh, things are starting to get good again & I'm happy :)

Sometimes I can't help but miss you.


Seeing you at unexpected moments like that brighten up my day and make me realize how much I freaking miss you.



ughhhh

A lot happened today.

But I'll start with yesterday.

I woke up excited for DC.

"Mom, what time is it?"

"around 9:30"


I was supposed to be going to Chau's house around 11

"it's drizzling outside though"

NOOOooOOOOoooOOOO


luckily, it stopped raining and I got a ride to Chau's house around 12.

we watched tv and talked waiting for April to come.
She came around 2ish, I think?

She came, and we left for ze bus stop to the vienna metro station.

April is SUCH a jonas brothers freak that we got so into the conversation and left the camera at Chau's house xD

Sooooo, we walked back and missed the bus so Chau decided to play some maplestory and we stayed for almost another hour xD

We got to the bus stop this time with camera in hand and the bus wasn't there. I told Chau to check the schedule again and she was looking at week day schedule...but it was Saturday xD

we waited another 20 minutes, got on the bus, got to the station [FINALLYY] and headed off for DC :D


except...when we got there it was POURING.
we walked out of the station and there was this man standing there with umbrellas

"hello ladies! we're so sorry it got rained out. would you like an umbrella? they're free!"

he said he was a volunteer for the homeless shelter and said he would be happy to take donations. I was going to give $2 or $3 dollars but he asked for $5. So I said hey, what the heck, why not? I handed my five, Chau handed a 10 and got change and April said:

"I don't have any money"

I gave him another $5 -___-

he was ASKING for the money!


.....anyway
we got our umbrellas and walked toward the Washington Monument. April and I almost got run over by a bus! thanks to yours truly xD

It was definitely a day to remember. It's amazing how so many events can happen in one day, haha :)


for-windd! if that's a word :D

I woke up this morning and my mom told me I was going to be staying with her?!
BY NOW, I WANTED TO GO BACK HOME! I didn't even work much! and that was the only reason why I was there. Turns out my mom and aunt got back into a fight. How silly and immature of them. My aunt was finding reasons to be pissed off at ME because she was pissed at my mom.

Also, I was sick and tired of my mom's boyfriend.
I guess you could say I just blew up. Everything bottled inside came rushing out and I cried and cried and cried and hyperventilated and cried.


I don't want to go further into it.
My mom's boyfriend simply drove me back home.

Now my eyes are all puffy...so hopefully tomorrow it no longer shows.


But seriously, what a day.

"Have you found joy in your life?"
"Yes"

"Has your life brought joy to others?"
"I..don't know. Go ask them"


I think that is exactly how I would answer those questions, haha.


ps: I had two dreams about Joneil last night

and my cousin was watching a movie on tv yesterday and ironically, the only thing I heard from it was "I can't stop thinking about my ex."


I don't know what he's trying to do to me. Is he doing this purposely? and why is he telling me all these things? It's unnecessary because it only upsets me but I have nothing to do with any of it.

Sometimes I wonder why some people treat me the way they do.
Do I treat them so badly and unfairly as well?




Maybe it's just because I'm a bad person.
I really need to better myself then.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY COUSIN, JAMIE! :D

I got the day off work again and I won't have work until monday because the gas pipe is still broken!

So I went home, real home, and then went to tysons with my cousins :)
I had $59 to begin with and ended with $11 dollars.
I bought a video game costing $10 for Jamie's birthday.
Chipotle, subway, starbucks, flip flops, and a planner :D

I've been wanting a planner for some time since I know I'm going to be pretty busy in the fall.
It has a calendar and can work as a journal tooo!

I saw Jansen, Marc, and Trang at tysons tooo.
We were walking around A LOTT

and I saw the cutest wedges at PAYLESS =)
I love bargains...although those shoes were freaking $19.99
-____-


Maybe another day



Today was good, hopefully it'll end good toooo.

I have neglected this blog.

And I really hate doing that but I don't like having two different blogs either.
But I guess I have this blog to write stuff about Joneil that I don't want him to know about
since he reads my livejournal..or I think he does.


But just to be safe, I'll ramble here.

We broke up a few nights ago.
Just because it wasn't working out and I couldn't handle it the way we were.
We got into a big fight.
I went to Ocean City, came back
and it was still pretty bad.

Overall, I think it really was for the best.
I feel better now. Not as great as I'd like to be but a lot better.

Things bothering me? :
-I guess I still get jealous at him talking to girls I'm pretty sure he's attracted to


How do I know he talks to these girls...?

...damn you facebook.

Ignorance is bliss
that's why I must stop snooping.


Aside from that, I'm always telling myself in my head that I really don't care about him anymore

Psshh, I could give a shit less about him...RIGHHTT..thats why you're still thinking about him now..

And I can't deny it. I do think about him a lot from time to time but at least I'm not sad and depressed thinking about him.


Also...I'm not really sure but I think my friend who I treat like my brother hit on me o.o
He said "we should hook up when I get back to Virginia. Our moms would be so happy"

and I wasn't really sure what to say to that..considering he just turned 18 and thats definitely illegal.


ohh well, not like I'm ready for another relationship.
I really don't think I am or was either.
To me, finally being ready for a relationship is knowing what I want
& I simply do not know what I want

That doesn't work, does it?
It's almost 3 am now and I plan to wake up early, go for a run to 'condition' for field hockey then go to work

soooo, I think I'll end my rambling and go to sleep :)

It's been a pretty long time since I've posted anything here. And it's not that I don't want to. It's just either nothing happens or I forget what I want to write about when I get the chance to.

But anyway!
I've had a pretty festive weekend.

Sleepover
Shopping
BBQ
Another sleepover
Spin the bottle
Thirteen
A lot of water drinking
leading to a lot of peeing
Laughing at strange noises
More shopping

:D

It was a very busy weekend, and I haven't had one of those in a while so it was fun :)

I also found myself thinking about a lot of things I usually don't think about also.

Also, on Thursday I saw Jason.
I said hi but I could sense the awkwardness. Plus Megan told me something that made me think he didn't want me there so I left.

On Friday we did skits on greek mythology in english and I think my group did preeeetty good [:


And to conclude this, I would like to say that I absolutely love food and I ate A LOT this weekend


ahhhhhhh yeah :D

I had two SOLs today.
Algebra then Biology.

I think I did pretty okay.


Anyway, not much happened today.

The highlight of my day:

After school, I saw this guy and his shirt say

'Make Love, not babies'

it made me laugh :)



I'll post again about my SOL scores, which are hopefully good :D

I thought I was okay. I was feeling happy.
My mom came back, I got to see my sister again.
What's keeping me from being happy?

because I saw http://jonizzzle.livejournal.com/

it was like a stab in the heart reading that.
I mean, I was okay with him too. Just okay, we're friends. that's cool.

and I read that, and I was just like wow.
Apparently, I didn't know everything.
And I didn't know how frivolous our relationship was.

---


I should've updated this when I was feeling pretty good. (roughly 20 minutes ago)
But I didn't, and now it's just too late.

It's SOL week and I have my history SOL tomorrow. I'm not too worried but I'm still studying.

I'm exhausted. I'm going to just go read.

Tonight was our last game.
We lost, it was inevitable.

But I still sprinted.
I also fell on my butt. IT WAS SO PAINFUL! I was back peddling and I just fell bad. Silly me.

After our game I stayed for varsity's game
and during halftime
I saw him down by the tennis courts
so I went over there to talk to him for a few minutes
then I talked to Natalie and I just broke down.

I talked to her about everything that's been bothering me.
Honestly, right now I feel so much better just letting everything out.


My priorities right now are just school, family, and friends.
I'm not going to deal with anything else. (like boys)


My throat hurts like a mother right now because I screamed and cheered like crazy everytime varsity scored.

Maybe I should consider cheerleading!....naw xD




Welllll, I should go start on my biology homework right now. I'm trying to get an A in that class for once. Plus, the sooner I start the sooner I finish. Then I can just relax =)

Today would have been... two months.

I didn't see him all day.
When I did, it was one word. I didn't even look at him.
Because I know if I did, I might just cry.
And I really don't want to.
Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow :)

Today was our last lacrosse practice and it was so much fuun!

Also! I've been getting hurt a lot lately xD
I have this bruise from today
this scrape from running into my drawer
and this scratch from my dog biting me.

I have a game tomorrow too so I'm gonna post allll about it :D

At first, it crushed me.


But now, it's sort of relieving to have talked to him.
At least now I don't feel what I've been feeling these last few days.

We obviously aren't working out. And I've come to face the fact that I can't force him to love me. I think the reason I've been making up excuses for him is because of the way I feel. 

I am emotionally attached to this boy. He has completely won me over.

He's the only person who can make me as happy as can be

and also the most miserable I've ever been.

I've realized that I'm letting him. So I am going to talk to him and I'm not going to force him into this relationship if it's not what he wants.

We really need to talk right now. Because I know something's up with him. He just refuses to talk to me. But we need to fix this because I've endured enough pain and I need to get this straight.

No matter how much it'll hurt me

So I finally decided to talk to him about her. 

And he just said how can you even think of that?

So I end up feeling bad for even bringing it up. For even thinking that now.

if you keep slipping in so many negative things between us, it makes me reconsider everything. when everything seems to be  like a nice breezy sunny day, you bring up a storm cloud that messes everything up. also, you still suspect me of such things after all we've been through... i don't know. everyone still thinks i like her. everyone won't forget that. think hard on this.

I feel horrible now. I thought telling him would make me feel better, but it's only made me feel worse. I thought telling him something that's been bothering me for about a month now would make things better.

It didn't.

Apparently I mess everything up and everything's my fault.

Life is great.

----

Yesterday I was helping my aunt prepare for my cousin's 9th birthday party and she brings up my mother.

"I hope your mom leaves that good for nothing guy when she comes back here"

"I hope so too, he's just a burden on her"

He really is though. The only reason she's still with him is because of my sister, but she needs to start making decisions for herself. He's not helping her. Life has been so much harder for her and he doesn't make it any easier. He doesn't do anything. 

I should really try to get a job over the summer. So my mom won't have to spend so much money on me and instead for my sister.

I really wonder where I'm gonna be when my mom gets back.

Since she never stops moving..

you leave me confused as ever

I've decided to remove some stuff from my blog. Just because I feel like I should.

Things between us feel sort of different again. Or maybe it's just me.

There's a million things running through my head right now but I want to think everything though before writing it here.

I'm so confused, ahhh >_<

I'm definitely feeling the pressure.

I've been so tired lately from lacrosse plus my allergies are pulling me down.

Tomorrow I have to run the 5k and it's not that bad at all

But it's 2 am now, I just had a game today

and I'm completely exhausted. My cousin knows all of this and she still can't let me sleep. She's so inconsiderate sometimes. If she wants me to get off the computer if she's reading because she doesn't like my typing then I do it for her. I'm like her maid most of the time. She said so herself. I clean all her messes for her and she can barely do simple things for me like just be a little quiet when I'm trying to sleep. Sometimes I'm just so kind to her she takes so much advantage of me. I've had enough of her. She always does it. She has absolutely no conscience. 

I can't wait until high school ends.

But then again I can.

Because I can't even afford college and I have to depend on my grades and worry about all this after high school stuff now because all this stuff in my life is just kicking me in the butt.

I'm not sure why I'm breaking down. Maybe it's all the stress I put on myself lately. Maybe it's because I'm so upset that my cousin couldn't do this simple thing for me. It doesn't even matter anymore because I can't even sleep anymore. And if I do sleep now, I'll only have about five hours of sleep.

I'm really confused. And upset.

What do I do? 

The Way I Am- Ingrid Michaelson

You need a light, I'd find a match.

I had a lacrosse game with AHS today. We were off to such a good start then sort of just...I don't even know what to call it. We ended up losing but it's okay. We have two other games this week!

Tomorrow we're playing CHS! I'm really looking forward to it too.

I've decided to just use initials instead of all these crazy code names to remember.

Things with C and I are a lot better, I think. I hope. I tried talking to him this weekend. I kind of failed miserably. But we both agreed on the fact that lately we haven't been talking much at all and we want to change that =)

J and I got to spend some time together. We were lying on the floor like freaks but it was so funny just lying there talking. I think things are a lot better between us now. I still want to talk to him about that one thing though..

I don't think anything else significant happened today. But if I remember I'll update :)

Sunday Morning- Maroon 5

Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

Yet another blog I've started. But with this one, I have a new goal. I won't be afraid of who reads. I'll express my everyday feelings without caring about who reads and what they would say.

---

Today's a gloomy Saturday afternoon. It's just one of those days where I want to sit back and grab a book to read.

I just..don't have a book to read xD

So I think I might walk to the library and check out a few books later on.

My mom, her boyfriend, and my sister are coming back to Virginia in May. I really just want my mom to make up her mind and stay in one place. Just settle down for once. I'm really looking forward to seeing my sister though! She's probably grown so much by now.

When I think about it, I've changed so much since I've moved here. I'm a new person. In some ways not a person that I like at all. I've become so superficial, it makes me sick. Actually, I'm a nasty person. I think about myself way too much. I make decisions for my own happiness. I get so caught up and just forget about everything else. I think thats my worst quality. I know I can be better...but I'm just not trying. I'll make this another goal!

Also another thing thats been popping up frequently is *Ken. He's my best friend. I can't stand seeing him the way he is now. And I know it's all my fault. It's because of my selfish decision. So..what do I do?

This is all thats really on my mind right now. So farewell for now.