Today would have been... two months.

I didn't see him all day.
When I did, it was one word. I didn't even look at him.
Because I know if I did, I might just cry.
And I really don't want to.
Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow :)

Today was our last lacrosse practice and it was so much fuun!

Also! I've been getting hurt a lot lately xD
I have this bruise from today
this scrape from running into my drawer
and this scratch from my dog biting me.

I have a game tomorrow too so I'm gonna post allll about it :D

At first, it crushed me.


But now, it's sort of relieving to have talked to him.
At least now I don't feel what I've been feeling these last few days.

We obviously aren't working out. And I've come to face the fact that I can't force him to love me. I think the reason I've been making up excuses for him is because of the way I feel. 

I am emotionally attached to this boy. He has completely won me over.

He's the only person who can make me as happy as can be

and also the most miserable I've ever been.

I've realized that I'm letting him. So I am going to talk to him and I'm not going to force him into this relationship if it's not what he wants.

We really need to talk right now. Because I know something's up with him. He just refuses to talk to me. But we need to fix this because I've endured enough pain and I need to get this straight.

No matter how much it'll hurt me

So I finally decided to talk to him about her. 

And he just said how can you even think of that?

So I end up feeling bad for even bringing it up. For even thinking that now.

if you keep slipping in so many negative things between us, it makes me reconsider everything. when everything seems to be  like a nice breezy sunny day, you bring up a storm cloud that messes everything up. also, you still suspect me of such things after all we've been through... i don't know. everyone still thinks i like her. everyone won't forget that. think hard on this.

I feel horrible now. I thought telling him would make me feel better, but it's only made me feel worse. I thought telling him something that's been bothering me for about a month now would make things better.

It didn't.

Apparently I mess everything up and everything's my fault.

Life is great.

----

Yesterday I was helping my aunt prepare for my cousin's 9th birthday party and she brings up my mother.

"I hope your mom leaves that good for nothing guy when she comes back here"

"I hope so too, he's just a burden on her"

He really is though. The only reason she's still with him is because of my sister, but she needs to start making decisions for herself. He's not helping her. Life has been so much harder for her and he doesn't make it any easier. He doesn't do anything. 

I should really try to get a job over the summer. So my mom won't have to spend so much money on me and instead for my sister.

I really wonder where I'm gonna be when my mom gets back.

Since she never stops moving..

you leave me confused as ever

I've decided to remove some stuff from my blog. Just because I feel like I should.

Things between us feel sort of different again. Or maybe it's just me.

There's a million things running through my head right now but I want to think everything though before writing it here.

I'm so confused, ahhh >_<

I'm definitely feeling the pressure.

I've been so tired lately from lacrosse plus my allergies are pulling me down.

Tomorrow I have to run the 5k and it's not that bad at all

But it's 2 am now, I just had a game today

and I'm completely exhausted. My cousin knows all of this and she still can't let me sleep. She's so inconsiderate sometimes. If she wants me to get off the computer if she's reading because she doesn't like my typing then I do it for her. I'm like her maid most of the time. She said so herself. I clean all her messes for her and she can barely do simple things for me like just be a little quiet when I'm trying to sleep. Sometimes I'm just so kind to her she takes so much advantage of me. I've had enough of her. She always does it. She has absolutely no conscience. 

I can't wait until high school ends.

But then again I can.

Because I can't even afford college and I have to depend on my grades and worry about all this after high school stuff now because all this stuff in my life is just kicking me in the butt.

I'm not sure why I'm breaking down. Maybe it's all the stress I put on myself lately. Maybe it's because I'm so upset that my cousin couldn't do this simple thing for me. It doesn't even matter anymore because I can't even sleep anymore. And if I do sleep now, I'll only have about five hours of sleep.

I'm really confused. And upset.

What do I do? 

The Way I Am- Ingrid Michaelson

You need a light, I'd find a match.

I had a lacrosse game with AHS today. We were off to such a good start then sort of just...I don't even know what to call it. We ended up losing but it's okay. We have two other games this week!

Tomorrow we're playing CHS! I'm really looking forward to it too.

I've decided to just use initials instead of all these crazy code names to remember.

Things with C and I are a lot better, I think. I hope. I tried talking to him this weekend. I kind of failed miserably. But we both agreed on the fact that lately we haven't been talking much at all and we want to change that =)

J and I got to spend some time together. We were lying on the floor like freaks but it was so funny just lying there talking. I think things are a lot better between us now. I still want to talk to him about that one thing though..

I don't think anything else significant happened today. But if I remember I'll update :)

Sunday Morning- Maroon 5

Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

Yet another blog I've started. But with this one, I have a new goal. I won't be afraid of who reads. I'll express my everyday feelings without caring about who reads and what they would say.

---

Today's a gloomy Saturday afternoon. It's just one of those days where I want to sit back and grab a book to read.

I just..don't have a book to read xD

So I think I might walk to the library and check out a few books later on.

My mom, her boyfriend, and my sister are coming back to Virginia in May. I really just want my mom to make up her mind and stay in one place. Just settle down for once. I'm really looking forward to seeing my sister though! She's probably grown so much by now.

When I think about it, I've changed so much since I've moved here. I'm a new person. In some ways not a person that I like at all. I've become so superficial, it makes me sick. Actually, I'm a nasty person. I think about myself way too much. I make decisions for my own happiness. I get so caught up and just forget about everything else. I think thats my worst quality. I know I can be better...but I'm just not trying. I'll make this another goal!

Also another thing thats been popping up frequently is *Ken. He's my best friend. I can't stand seeing him the way he is now. And I know it's all my fault. It's because of my selfish decision. So..what do I do?

This is all thats really on my mind right now. So farewell for now.