I feel pathetic.

The FIT invite was such a great opportunity for me but I'm so damn pathetic.

It's true what Dyson told me.
You could do it just as well if not better than any of these girls
but what they have that you don't, is confidence.

That is so true. I have no confidence in myself whatsoever.
I am truly pathetic.

Merry Christmas!

Since, it's 1:52 am right now, from here on, when I say today I actually mean Christmas eve.
Today was an incredibly long day.
I slept really late and woke up at 8:45 to go to tysons with my aunt for VERY last minute Christmas shopping. I had a total of $51 (I got $50 for Christmas from my aunt) with me when I came. I spent every bit of it. I feel really accomplished though because I got to buy gifts for everyone I wanted to. I wish I could've gotten something nice for myself but it feels so much better to give :)

I'm really too tired right now to go into further detail about the rest of my day except that it was really well.

It was nice having dinner with my mom and it was nice getting to talk to her so much. For once in my life, I feel like I'm actually close to my mother.

This year seems to be coming to a good end (=

and suddenly, all is good again :)

I feel so happy :)

I'm at my mom's house and despite my sister's wild animal-like behavior, it's so nice spending time with them.

It makes me feel better because I know outside of the wonderful life I had with him being my number one priority, I still have a great life, maybe even better.

Now there is only one thing keeping me from being as carefree as can be and all I can do is wait.

So it's a random thought but I was thinking about it while trying not to gag on my dinner. I don't feel like eating and I haven't since last night. But anyway, my cousin was talking to my uncle about opening her Christmas present now or on Christmas day. I looked at the shape of the present she held in her hands. Legoes. Why would she want to open it if she already knew what it was? I don't like the holidays with this family. My aunt gives us a money limit and we buy what we want until we reach that limit and then she wraps it and puts it under the tree. If we knew what it was, then why wrap it and put it under? She doesn't have to say anything but I know it's to make her look good when she has her guests over.

So, I like receiving gifts in surprise. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for gifts. It's just something I just realized about myself. Unexpected gifts are the very best kind :)


So today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I got through it in one piece and that's alll that matters to me.

I actually have a lot to vent though, but I don't know who I trust enough to tell.

Well, now that I have a lot more free time, I'll go do homework and start caring more about school :D

PS: I suddenly feel a lot more satisfied?

I feel so stupid.
This was such a long day.
And this night will be so much worse.

I woke up thinking today was going to be so good. It started off okay. And then I started feeling like everything was just too much. I needed him with me at that moment and when he wasn't there, I just blew up.

That's when everything went down.
I felt better but now I don't.
I felt better again and again, I didn't.

I should just sleep it off.

Everything will be okay, Vickie
hopefully.

I'm so so stupid.
Why am I so in love with someone who doesn't love me back?

I'm so stupid stupid stupid.

The take home test thing has caused such a mess.
I was up until 1 am two nights last week working on that and science fair
and my aunt tells my mom I was doing otherwise and I just keep getting yelled at for doing things that I don't do. My aunt makes up all this stuff to tell my mom all the time and the things she says always makes me seem a lot worse than I am.

My mom said "your uncle is sick but you constantly make him take you everywhere"

So, taking me to Stuart for district band audition is taking me everywhere?
I tried so hard to get a ride and who else was I supposed to ask? My mom?
Hah. Yeah right. I can't ask her for fucking anything.
She yells at me like I'm the most horrible daughter but she's not any better of a mother.

I'm so sick of this life.
I can't wait at all when I fucking leave this behind.

You're never gonna understand what my life is like.
You're never gonna understand the things I put up with.
You're never gonna understand the shit I'm going through right now.

I'm always wrong.

Track practice today had the potential to be really really good.
It WAS really good but I just slowly started losing confidence.
We were doing hurdles
and I don't mean to brag but I was doing so well!
I was the first of the girls to be doing two straight hurdles
but I just, I don't know

Instead of being aggressive and attacking the hurdle like I was doing, I got scared of it.
I feel like such a failure because I was doing soo incredibly well!

What's wrong with me?
I hope practice tomorrow is better.

just a short blog to say
that I might be moving soon

I go to you and talk to you about something that is somewhat upsetting me
and instead of making me feel better or comforting me
I feel even worse now
this is just too great


I am absolutely fine :)

I'm not sure what's wrong with me.
I'm constantly feeling sick and then suddenly, I feel fine.
I want to throw up so many times in a day.
Today was so weird and just fickle.

I don't know if I'm sick or if there's something wrong with my body
but I've never been so worried about my health.
It's affecting me at track too because I constantly want to throw up and after not much running I already feel horrible.

I'm going to take some medicine tonight so hopefully I feel all better in the morning.

Other than my horrible health at the moment everything else seems to be okay-ish.

I had such a wonderful evening :)

And I love 97.1 and all of its Christmas music.

Hopefully days like this come around more often.