I could say that life is good...and it is. But not entirely..

The FCHS marching band was at VBODA yesterday which is states for marching band.
We got there and did the usual; unloaded, got into uniform, and then got ready to perform. I was already pretty pissed because of Jason<--not very surprising. We all just mentally prepared ourselves. I reminded myself of my usual mistakes and told myself how to avoid them. Alas, it was time for our performance. We got on the field and it's always really hectic setting up.

To my surprise, I did great on my part. Overall, we did really good. Our best performance :)

When it was time for the rating, I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only person wishing and hoping.

"Falls Church High School, your final rating is....superior"

That rush. That feeling. It was amazing.
We worked so hard for it and we definitely deserved it.
It was an unbeatable feeling. The rest of the day would be great.
I knew it. And it was :)

On the bus ride to our VBODA location, I was with Joneil.
I kind of..I don't know how to explain it but it's not there's something different. It's not quite the same. I was a lot happier before but maybe everything that's happened to us has affected the way I feel about him? or the way I feel when I'm with him? I'm not sure if it's the same kind of happy. At the same time though I don't want to do anything I might regret. So, I guess I'm just giving it some time.

It's funny because we [Joneil & me] always expect for him to be the one to change his mind...but this time, it might be me?

I'm really not sure. So I'll just wait & see.

I'm stuck between doing what I want [which I'll probably do] and doing what's right for me.

Last week, after the breakup I told a few people to slap me across the face if I start to reconsider.

April slapped me first and called me a stupid bitch. I don't blame her at all, but that hit me pretty hard, it's making me think and actually reconsider reconsidering.

Later, Sterling slapped me. Hard.

Oh, what to do, what to do.

I wish I could say I'm okay because I saw this coming,
but I'm not.

I knew I'd be the chicken soup again
to make him feel better from her
because he was upset with her
and when he was okay again
he wouldn't need his trusty chicken soup anymore

But I feel so stupid for letting him do this to me again and again
I'm letting myself get hurt
I always do because of these crazy feelings I have for him.

I'm so madly in love it's unhealthy
So madly in love that I let him do this to me

But maybe it's not only him

"someone told me about you and guess what? you just proved them right."

so it must be me too.
and of course I know that I'm not the greatest person, but I actually believed that he accepted that. A part of me actually believed that he really wanted to make this work.

I should've known.
So it's my fault all over again.
I'm so sick of feeling like this
and I'm sick of myself because I know it's my fault.

So I'm not really sure why I give him so many chances.
And I find myself to be making up excuses for him a lot lately.

He told me
i'm sorry for the mistakes
and i really want to make it work this time

and that's what he said the second time
and now it seems like he's forgotten that again

when I'm with him, I don't sense any happiness from him
I feel like he doesn't want to be with me when I'm there

and now I'm still giving him chances
and making excuses

I'm giving him time to show me that maybe he really does care, maybe it really does matter to him like it does for me. I'm using my period as an excuse now too. Telling myself that maybe I'm overthinking it? I mean, maybe I am. I don't know but something's changed with him. I know I still treat him the say and sadly, I still love him the same but there's something different. He's acting different.

This has happened before. I can only hope now.

this was my first night of crying in our relationship

i'm sensing many, many more.

sometimes

sometimes i'm scared it's not right
sometimes i tell myself i'm being silly
sometimes i get scared if i make the wrong the decision, i'll regret it
sometimes i get mad at myself for even thinking these things
sometimes i don't even want to do anything because it took so long for us to get this good and i just don't want to mess that up, even if sometimes it doesn't feel right
sometimes its just not the same after everything


a pet peeve i've recently discovered: i hate it when i'm with someone and they're looking through thier phone or texting or whatever...i think you could sort of guess how this pet peeve came to be

trust :)

As you may know, my mom is pretty strict.
In attempt to open up to her, I told her about Joneil asking me to homecoming.

At first, she said she would think about it. She eventually met him. She approved when it was too late to get a homecoming ticket so Joneil and me ended up not going.

Last night though, I planned with Joneil to go see a movie the next day [today] and shockingly she said yes.

I can't described how stunned I was. It was amazing.
It was simple. It was honest.

So Joneil and I went to watch Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist today :)
It was a pretty good movie.


Life is goood.
Minus school :D