He keeps hurting me like this

...and I keep letting him.

Ugh, I don't know why he does that.

Sometimes he's so nice to me.
I actually enjoy it but most of the time he's such a jerk.


He always has mood swings with me. I hate it.

GDJBNJDHAAHAHHHGGG
EAAT MEE

I haven't been feeling too great these last few days.

The other night, Joneil said I should vent. So I did.
And for the first time in a really long time, I told him EVERYTHING.

How I hate being completely fine. How I discipline myself to stop those feelings.
And how it's so quickly wasted when he does something. And how it makes me miss him.

He told me he doesn't want to do that to me.
He just wants to be close to me. We were close friends before and I still want us to be.

Basically, he just wants to keep me in his life.
And I definitely want to keep him in mine.
He's a part of my life now. I talk to him so much it's crazy.
I talk to him more than I talk to my family, more than CALVIN.

At the same time, he's also the person that brings me the most misery.
Is it worth it? Being friends with him but constantly changing moods.
One moment, I'm happy the next I'm not.



I still want us to be friends of course, but I want these feelings to go away.

Since last I posted...Joneil has started talking to me again.

I IMed him one morning
and I ask why he hated me and what I did.


He said he wasn't really sure why and that he was pretty confused himself.

So we've been talking and it's been a lot better for me because I HATE it when people are mad at me and I hate being mad at people.

Let's go back a little


If you remember last year, Joneil was absent A LOT. He told Anna the reason he didn't show up was because he didn't want to see a girl who liked him. That girl was me.

Today, he didn't show up for school. I was talking to him last night and he was fine. So maybe he's trying to avoid me? All I want is for us to be friends, but if it's going to be like this. Then I don't even know.


I have a field hockey scrimmage tomorrow. I have chair placement auditions against Jason. I have plenty of homework.

And I'm really starting to ask myself. How will you survive this?

This year is going to be pretty tough.

It's funny because I think Joneil thinks that I hate him.
But it's not like that at all.


Yesterday was my seriously perfect day gone completely wrong.

Everything was going so well. I got captain for field hockey and I thought nothing could rid me of that happiness I was feeling.

Until I got home of course.

In my previous post I was talking about how I get this vibe from Joneil when I talk to him.
So I basically just feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. On Thursday, I tried talking to him twice and he ignored me both times. So yesterday morning I IMed him


"Do you hate me or something?"
"no"


I didn't see his reply until I got home from school. We got our schedules yesterday so I went on facebook to post it and I got a notification saying Joneil commented on one of my pictures so I was REALLY surprised.

It happened to be the picture of us on possibly one of my happiest days.

"Can you take this off, thanks"

That, with all honesty, crushed me. I couldn't hold in the tears so I just let it out and told my cousin about it in between sobs.

I guess I feel a little better now. I just hate that so many things remind me of him. Stupid songs, stupid animals, just stupid things that we loved. They all just make me miss him so much more.

But anyway, on with my story.
He was online so I said to him

"You're a jerk, I hope you know that"

"How am I a jerk?"

"Everytime I talk to you I get this vibe that you don't want to talk to me. Yesterday I tried talking to you twice and you ignored me both times."

"Well, why bother talking to you? Since I never met your expectations"

"then THANKS for giving me all that bullshit about wanting us to be good and to be friends"

"I don't remember saying that"

"hahh, you're funny"

"lol, i wish"

then he blocked me
a little bit later he unblocked me and by then I calmed down a lot so I said to him

"I hope you know that I only said the thing about expectations that night because I was pissed and was a bitch. and I know I'm a bitch, I thought we got that clear. and for whatever else I've done, I'm sorry. I never really had expectations for us, you know that. So I'm just sorry.

I'm done, I just had to let you know that.

It's okay if you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore."

"Okay, vickie"


and that's the last of that.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.

This is done.

FINALLY.

this week is over! :)

I'm actually really happy though because so many things happened. Both good and bad.

But the good moments made up for allll the bad ones, no matter how bad they were (they were pretty bad).

Oh yeahh. So I guess I've been trying to small talk with Joneil and just be nice to him but I get this vibe that he doesn't want to talk to me? So, I'll just stop trying. It seems to be what he wants?

Okay, I lied. I just IMed him.
Nope, it's just not working. After everything, things aren't going to be the same. I wish we could be good friends again but I don't think he wants it so I won't push it.


Ahhhh, things are starting to get good again & I'm happy :)

Sometimes I can't help but miss you.


Seeing you at unexpected moments like that brighten up my day and make me realize how much I freaking miss you.



ughhhh

A lot happened today.

But I'll start with yesterday.

I woke up excited for DC.

"Mom, what time is it?"

"around 9:30"


I was supposed to be going to Chau's house around 11

"it's drizzling outside though"

NOOOooOOOOoooOOOO


luckily, it stopped raining and I got a ride to Chau's house around 12.

we watched tv and talked waiting for April to come.
She came around 2ish, I think?

She came, and we left for ze bus stop to the vienna metro station.

April is SUCH a jonas brothers freak that we got so into the conversation and left the camera at Chau's house xD

Sooooo, we walked back and missed the bus so Chau decided to play some maplestory and we stayed for almost another hour xD

We got to the bus stop this time with camera in hand and the bus wasn't there. I told Chau to check the schedule again and she was looking at week day schedule...but it was Saturday xD

we waited another 20 minutes, got on the bus, got to the station [FINALLYY] and headed off for DC :D


except...when we got there it was POURING.
we walked out of the station and there was this man standing there with umbrellas

"hello ladies! we're so sorry it got rained out. would you like an umbrella? they're free!"

he said he was a volunteer for the homeless shelter and said he would be happy to take donations. I was going to give $2 or $3 dollars but he asked for $5. So I said hey, what the heck, why not? I handed my five, Chau handed a 10 and got change and April said:

"I don't have any money"

I gave him another $5 -___-

he was ASKING for the money!


.....anyway
we got our umbrellas and walked toward the Washington Monument. April and I almost got run over by a bus! thanks to yours truly xD

It was definitely a day to remember. It's amazing how so many events can happen in one day, haha :)


for-windd! if that's a word :D

I woke up this morning and my mom told me I was going to be staying with her?!
BY NOW, I WANTED TO GO BACK HOME! I didn't even work much! and that was the only reason why I was there. Turns out my mom and aunt got back into a fight. How silly and immature of them. My aunt was finding reasons to be pissed off at ME because she was pissed at my mom.

Also, I was sick and tired of my mom's boyfriend.
I guess you could say I just blew up. Everything bottled inside came rushing out and I cried and cried and cried and hyperventilated and cried.


I don't want to go further into it.
My mom's boyfriend simply drove me back home.

Now my eyes are all puffy...so hopefully tomorrow it no longer shows.


But seriously, what a day.