Starting Anew

Now that I have a camera, I really want to start recording every memorable moment.
So I'm going to start blogging again because I like blogspot :)

this SUCKS

I hate this :(

One year ago, I was happily dating Joneil. We had been dating for roughly two weeks now and everything was going really well. His birthday was coming up so I got him this cute book and decorated his locker. The day of his birthday was also a field hockey bake sale so I made heart shaped cupcakes and gave him two cupcakes for his birthday. We spent a lot of time together and talked endlessly on the phone & on aim. About a month later, we started facing problems. It was as if an invisible force was coming between us and things weren't quite the same. I had called my friend Megan, crying about it. That day, she told me he might still have feelings for his ex, Vicenta. That was a slap in the face. I wanted to break up with him but then I decided to talk to him about it first. He denied it, I believed him. Things got slightly better...for a few days. After that we started going downhill again. A few weeks later, we broke up. I wanted to fix things, but he just wasn't feeling it. I spent the next month still pretty upset over it. We still talked a lot. He was my best friend. Suddenly, he started having feelings for me again. But they were soon gone again when he became partners for a project with his ex. He said he just got feelings back for her. He didn't know it, but when she asked to be partners he realized that the way he felt about her would never changed. So I was left alone yet again. A few weeks later, he told me he liked me again. At this point, I was just like really? should I give him this chance? Guess what I did? hahah. School ended and the first Saturday after school ended was rookie camp for marching band. That day I had gone to the movie with Joneil. This was going to be the last time I will see him for a while because about a week later, I went to Hawaii. I was thrilled. Sadly, I was only there for about a week. I did get to see a few of my best friends. I enjoyed my time there, though it was way too short. While I was in Hawaii, I had fights with Joneil. When I came back, we were still having fights. So we broke up. Again. About a week later, band camp and field hockey tryouts started. I spent 8am- 4pm at band camp then 4pm-6pm at field hockey. This went on for about two weeks and I was exhausted. We had our first field hockey scrimmage at the end of the second week and it actually went pretty good. The following week, school started and I was getting used to my classes. Before school had started, I was on a time crunch with my summer assignments, but thankfully, I got everything done. Some time later, Joneil and I got back together. It was greaatt. We spent so much time together and created so many new memories during marching band season. I couldn't have been happier. But soon enough, we started having problems. We broke up. About a week later, we got back together. Then eventually broke up again. Then we got back together again. We made a goal this time. To reach two months of being together. The date of this goal was December something.... I don't exactly remember right now xD....We broke up again in December, BEFORE that date. On December 25, we got back together and we've been together since. And it's been more than two months! In this time, he met my mom who definitely approves of him. We went on many dates. We've had countless problems and arguements but we've resolved them.


I just talked to my friend Vi from Hawaii. I've known her for years now and I really believe she knows what's best for me. We haven't talked for while so she was asking me casual questions. How are you? How's life? and then she asked, "Are you still with that guy?" and I answered "Yes." "How long?" "More than two months now" "That's it?!" "Wellll, we're very on and off" "Why?" and I wasn't too sure how to answer this question. She then told me "if you're in a relationship like that then there must be something wrong.

This past year, my whole life has been revolving around one person. Joneil Angeles. As much as I love him, I'm not really sure why we have so many problems all the time. I don't know why we're so on and off. What I think is that, after what we went through, I still have a fear that it'll keep going and keep happening. He means a lot to me and so does our relationship.

Three days from now, I want to be able to be rid of that fear. I want to be happy with Joneil and give him the best birthday.


if you read this then write your own story, One year ago till today. then include what you want to do 3 days from today. and paste this at the end of your blog so everyone else can do it.

I wish I knew what was good for me.

This day had its ups and downs.

It was definitely a day to remember though.

I went on a run with April & Vi and it was actually really fun. We ran to April's house, stopped for a drink and watched some tv, then ran/jog/walked back xD

So when we came back we were just throwing around on the blacktop, then Vi threw the ball at me and I missed it and it rolled away. So I was chasing it, and it went through the fence toward the sewer and I was thinkin oh crap, that's April's ball. So I ran over to try and stop it but I was too late. So I opened the manhole, climbed down and got it for her. It was ridiculous but it was something I never did so it was all fun :)

The heritage show was nice too (:

I'll refrain from talking about bad stuff in this post.

So, the other night I emailed my mom asking and telling her about upcoming plans and events.

I told her that spring sports start next week which is lacrosse and track for me.
The band stuff, then I asked her about my birthday lunch/dinner, movies with April, etc

She replied with [edited]

doing all that plus you have to do your house work too......instead of sitting in front of the computer all the time. that is what i hear about you over there if you don't do your share maybe you should go live with me. where you have to take care of yourself daily!!!

I love you and i'm sorry that i wasn't alway there for you

i basically destroyed your life and you were never given a secure home, i'm selfish and only care about myself. I trust you so much

hopefully you respect yourself care for your bright future and not end up like me!!!!

this was not something I was expecting from her at all but this is the first time she's ever said anything like this to me.

I mean really, all I want is for her to be proud of me.

I hate crying like this.

sweet sixteen!

My sweet sixteen will be March 2.
I'm going to have a birthday dinner with Calvin.
I'll make a facebook event for it, hahah.

So I made up a wishlist:
-camera
-cellphone
-apron
-long socks
-post secret books
-a reading light i can attach to my book!
-this!
-for joneil and I to work out

When it comes down to it. Material things don't even matter anymore when these things happen.

It's been a while since I've posted a blog.

I feel really sick right now and I've felt sick all day.
Today was Calvin's last day too and I only saw him once & it was for a few minutes

I really don't feel like going to school tomorrow, so maybe I could convince my mom in letting me stay at homee :)

So one of my new years resolution this year is to cry less.
But that is not working.

you tell me I cry a lot
but you're the person who makes me cry the most

I tell you what's wrong when I'm upset
and you yell at me and get mad at me

Is that reasonable?

Even if I did tell you earlier, you would've reacted the same way
That's exactly why I was afraid to

I'm freaking sick of crying
so why do you do this to me?

*sigh*


i hate days like this.

would you do something you didn't want to, to make someone else feel better?

So, I know it sounds silly but I have special things that I do with different people.
And it upsets me so much when I see it being done with another person because I think

I thought that was our thing."/

I'm such a silly girl ><

I am a failure.

I am a sucky person.

I am a lost cause.


[update]

Lately, I've been feeling like I don't do anything good.

No more doing stupid things, no more getting pissed off, no more fights

I ended up ruining your night anyway.
I can't do anything to make you happy anymore.
I am hopeless.

Updating this blog! :)

I always get really lazy to blog but then I always want something to look back on.

So Friday & Saturday we had this band clinic over at Stuart which REALLY helped me with the festival music.

I slept over at my mom's house the last two nights and I'm still really sick.

I feel kind of bad because I never knew how much my mom and her boyfriend fight.

Not too much happening lately, but I've been thinking a little too much. If there is such a thing..

It's crazy how one day could be so so good, and the next so so bad.

I hope this isn't the start of a bad year.

some people just aren't who i thought they were..